We Grow Into Ourselves

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I’ve been away for a while. Hello again, hypothetical audience.

Unfortunately, I have been pondering and rethinking and contemplating again, which is ever a danger to the consistency of my posts, but here is my conclusion to the fate of this site.

I started this blog at the age of 21, an age of assertive naivete. The world, having run on a similar track most of my life, was coming to a new station, a point at which I would have to make headway without much of a predetermined plan. I was in the midst of after University stoop, believing I was more responsible and grown-up than I think anyone really is just past their teen years. But I was wrapped up in a strange ‘rest-of-my-life-ahead’ optimism, and a tentative idea of what I wanted. And thus, in perhaps a self-indulgent means of recording my raise into adulthood, this blog was born.

Since it’s conception the content has changed many times, for many different reasons. I’m not going to bore you with the backlog. I realize that in all the chops and changes this blog has undergone, one thing has remained consistent: I have always been presenting a front. More than once (as with recently) it has become an empty space, either through my laziness, or weariness, or uncertainty towards it. Meanwhile, my life continued to flow whether I used it or not, and despite my initial intention of trying to chronicle my living, whenever I felt something made me ‘lose face’ I deliberately either didn’t write about it or skewered my reactions to favour a better presentation of myself. I suppose what I’m saying is, I was never really very honest with you or myself about the way matters played out sometimes. I wanted a happy, easy, interesting blog and that’s what I wrote. In some cases more than others, but always hovering behind my words like an echo, is some degree of falsehood.

I have worn this blog like a mask for my future self, I suppose, spurred by youthful pride and a fear of regret. It’s odd really, I used my own name for a title, but not my true self for content.

During the recent vacant space, I turned 27, marking the passage of six years since the start of blogging. Time has provided me with better self-awareness and presence than I have possessed before. Buddhist practice has wilted a lot of my pride, meaning I’m less inclined to present a version of me which isn’t real. For perhaps the first time, I feel like a true adult, in the sense that I think about what that means. I’m better at facing problems honestly and less dramatically, and taking some responsibility for issues which have held me back in the past.

These days I’m not so worried about who I am ‘supposed’ to be and what I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing. And while I still have confidence to build and a future to define, I’m at a stage of odd peace. And I think I could write life more honestly too.

I think at some point, we grow into ourselves, and I think I’ve really started to do this now. So, maybe it’s better to document that era, rather than continue (or not) with constantly fluctuating ramblings I have been doing. I think I can be more honest now, more humble in my approach, without too much panic about how often I do so.

For now, I’ll try to treat this site as what it was always supposed to be really, a way of connecting past with future, of recording my life to look back on. Only now, I think I’ll actually be able to do that, rather than trying to change on a whim for unrealistic reasons.

Now seems like as good a time as any to try.

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