Sometimes I wish I owned a supernatural spanner with the power to fix anything. I bet a lot of people wish for this tool daily, because there’s so much in the world that needs fixing; big, important things which affect millions of innocent human beings every moment of everyday. However, I’ll admit, on this particular day I am being selfish. I want a spanner to help repair issues pertaining to me and those close to me. I need an Alice’s life fixing spanner, and they don’t sell them at local hardware shops as far as I know.
This post is a little self-pitying, and given my recent vow not to dwell on self-pity I guess I’m breaking some rules, but I need to get this out somehow, and this is currently my only ear.
I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to mend the broken bridges, or make up for the mistakes, because I don’t really know what the mistakes are. Am I being sensible or prideful? Am I acting with anger, hiding itself in the subconscious recesses of my mind? Again, I can’t distinguish the truth in my own head, and I’m beginning to doubt there is one. I hate when the truth is so blurred behind the humanness of a situation, it’s hard to conceive of a concrete meaning. Not understanding, not being able to root out the core of the rot inside is the worst part.
So, yes, today I want the spanner, today I am tired of the uncertainty. It’s clear to me that of course no such magical tool of selfish wonder exists, and usually the only duct tape to life is time and elbow grease, but I’m not sure I have that in me right now. I can’t fix it all.
There’s no moral today, no philosophical pondering. I just wanted to admit that I can’t fix it and I don’t know what to do.