How I Didn’t Fill In My Tax Return Yet In Twenty-Seven Steps.

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Step One: Wake up to the alarm and groan, not because you have to get up, but because you have to get up and file your taxes.

Step Two: Complete morning routine while telling yourself you have to get your taxes done today. There is no choice. There is no alternative. Today you will do your taxes. Yes, yes you will. As soon as you are washed, dressed, breakfasted and brushed, you will go to the library and you will do your taxes.

Step Three: Get washed, dressed, breakfasted and brushed and remember you have to put the washing on, so do that first.

Step Four: Remember there is a silent retreat on and that means the cellar is out of bounds and you can’t do your washing.

Step Five: Notice the weather and the local storm warnings. Actually speak the words “Yikes, screw that plan” and abandon the library idea. Decide instead to just work at your desk.

Step Six: Clear the desk so you can work from it.

Step Seven: Spend 15 minutes searching for the correct place to file the tax return on the Inland Revenue and Customs site.

Step Eight: Find the correct place to file the tax return on the Inland Revenue and Customs site and feel overly jubilant about doing so.

Step Nine: Begin filling out the return and find the first stage relatively simple. Input your name, address and personal details… realise suddenly that if this part was not relatively simple for you to fill out, that would make you would be a complete moron.

Step Ten: Click next and attempt to fill out the next page. Become instantly confused.

Step Eleven: Fill out the second part of the form and click next. See page three, pull your lower lip as you scrutinise the page, sigh and attempt to answer the questions.

Step Twelve: Become mindbogglingly perplexed and call someone for assistance.

Step Thirteen: When he doesn’t answer, glance at the screen again and have another go. Frown.

Step Fourteen: Hunt down meanings to highlighted captions using Google.

Step Fifteen:  Realise that Google is now a verb. Contemplate that bazaar little fact for a few minutes, before continuing.

Step Sixteen: Find Step Fourteen a useless waste of time.

Step Seventeen: Decide to come back to these questions and move on for now. When trying to input this data, discover the site has logged you out for security reasons. Frown.

Step Eighteen: Take a deep breath and log back into your account. Miss a number on your ID, see a big red X on the screen and momentarily panic that you’ve forgotten your password.

Step Nineteen: Repeat Step Eighteen twice more, because, apparently, you are a complete moron.

Step Twenty: Realise your error and input the correct ID. Get back onto your account. Laugh for sheer relief.

Step Twenty-One: Skip to the next page. Fill that out with some ease. Smile believing the worst must be over.

Step Twenty-Two: Stare uncomprehendingly at the next page. Actually speak the words “though I scan through the valley of taxes, I shall fear no miss-comprehension.” Stare at it some more, because if you can intimidate the page with your eyes, it might back down like a feral cat.

Step Twenty-Three: Dive in. Fill out one section with relative ease. Go to the next section. Gasp and actually raise both hands to cheeks for lack of understanding.

Step Twenty-Four: Call someone else for assistance.

Step Twenty-Five: When he doesn’t respond, send a text pleading for assistance. Decide there’s nothing you can do until you hear back. Remind yourself that even though you need to get it done as soon as you can, you do have the majority of a month and don’t panic.

Step Twenty-Six: Panic a little bit anyway.

Step Twenty-Seven: Receive a message back with the news that a friend is happy to help, but won’t be free to do so until tomorrow. Agree.


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