I want to tell you something true. You’re worthy of the good things that happen to you. Honestly, you are, even when you don’t feel you are.
My new year has been a whirlwind, a shift in the environment of my existence from difficult to jubilant with such haste I’m still struggling to believe it. New jobs, new feelings, a transition that boggles the mind. I find myself in a position of continued amazement, where still I am struggling with the reality, and thanking something far bigger than I am for deeming me worthy enough that I’m saved from the misery I was in. It was the kind of stress that I creeps in while you’re not looking; the type of sorrow that burrows so slowly you become accustomed to its presence. Life throws in these small episodes of slight-misfortune, nothing so large it grabs hold and overtakes, but big enough to bare down on the shoulders and cause everyday situations to become uneasy. I wasn’t in any predicament that served as overwhelming, but one that changed me into a tired, unsocial creature, hiding from her own sadness and not even realising.
So, waking up one morning to find that burden lifted was astonishing. Is astonishing. If you’re going through one of this episodes where you feel disgruntled and quiet, and you are unaware why, I promise, one day it’ll stop. One morning you’ll rise, and despite how deary it may be weather wise (such as for me; nothing like the clear blue metaphors of the movies), you’ll breathe out and it’ll feel better, like all the air is finally being expunged properly. Walking to my new job every day, I pass over a bridge mounted on a hill overlooking the rise and fall of the city roads for miles. That’s what it feels like; like I’ve escaped the road, and can now view it in it’s entirety for the grid-locked monster that it is. Incidentally, every time I pass over that bridge, I say a little thank-you to the universe.
I’m now a private child-care provider. Everything had been going beautifully for weeks; there were knots to untangle and everyone involved had to settle into the situation. Children are hard work, I learned, but their honesty and curiosity is wondrous, contagious, and the simplest notions and ideas can excite and amaze them. However, inevitably, we hit a rough day. Now, looking back, I can see that’s what it was; just a bad day where a grumpy child took her frustrations out on the only person available on which to do so: me. In the moment, my mind was busy trying to deal with the issue in it’s usual way, blaming me also, when in fact I’d done nothing to either create nor perpetuate the scenario, and had done everything I could to ensure the child’s comfort and understanding. This is normally how the process occurs, beginning with something small, which in my brain becomes mutated.
The situation passed; while sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the bus home, I couldn’t let go of what had been said. If you’re anything like me, you do it too; your mind clutches at it, and for hours, or even days, you’ll analyse the meanings behind it all and hypothesize the consequences from best case to worse case scenario. In those minutes sat staring at the road, I conjured up at least seven ways such things could lead to my losing my job. Afterward, (I was on the bus by this point) I started to wonder why I had been brought to this dilemma; things had been going so well, so why so soon had I been presented with a situation I found vastly upsetting. In reality, these things happen, but in my mind I’d twisted the data and arrived at the conclusion that the Universe was reminding me how easily it could all slip away. ‘Impermanence’ for the Buddhists among you. That started me on the path of ‘what did I do to deserve this turn of luck in the first place?’and then ‘Do I deserve this job?’ and finally, ‘what if this is some kind of deep seated mistake? What if I’m not worthy of this job at all, and today I proved it?’
Blah! Idle minds, eh?
Let’s put this into a perspective that’s a little more understanding of the human condition. My confidence slipped, as all confidences do from time to time, regardless of expertise or their respective levels, but instead of recognizing this, I blamed myself for not knowing exactly what to do and say, telling myself I’d failed to help or do the right thing. Failure is a dangerous word in the wrong head, in my head. Seated in that incorrect notion of failure was the idea that I had become undeserving of the change of circumstances I had been praying for and working towards.I felt unworthy of the happiness I had been feeling, and should in fact have been content with the misery that had plagued me for months previous. These thought processes are built on years of experiences and expectations, and the same is true for any of you that might feel this way; in truth, these mindsets create perceptions of yourself much like a fun-house mirror distorts your image. Just become you believe it, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true.
Feelings of unworthiness can be soul-destroying, because they come accompanied by guilt and frustration; for years, inaccurate ideas like these plagued me, and, as shown in this post, they do still take root in my mind. Fortunately, I’ve learned to recognise them and weed them out as the useless non-realities they are. Quite simply, I wrote myself a letter long ago, which I read whenever such matters arise reminding me pretty much of what I’m telling you now. I want to share this sentiment with anyone who suffers the same troubles of thinking, and I’ve a feeling lots of people do, maybe even everyone occasionally in some small degree.
Worthiness is can only be measured by the effort you put in; as long as you’re trying to do the right thing, to be the best you can, you’re still worthy, and even in your mistakes while asserting your effort, you’re still worthy of any and all desired feelings and situations that come upon you. It’s very hard to see the truth of yourself, especially when doubt creeps in and blurs the image. If someone who cares about you could hear your thoughts, they would dispel them, but I understand how difficult it can be to admit your feelings of failure to another person, however close you are. Trust me though, your surrounded by people who deem you a worthy part of their lives, and that means you’re doing lots of things right. Whatever your circumstances, you didn’t trick anyone, you were selected after diligent processes to ensure you were right, and that’s not something you can manipulate without determined, conscious effort. You didn’t trick anyone. You’re where you are because you worked for it, because luck met determination and you benefited, and that’s it. The key is to to replace guilt with gratitude; even if you feel undeserving, you can remember that you’ve been presented with opportune events, in which you can work hard and focus on keeping true.
You are worthy, even in the deepest feelings of un-deservedness, you are worthy of the good things that happen, the love you are given and the happiness that comes with it.
Smile for the cheesy post!